My mother gave me the name Ilana. In Hebrew, it means, "tree that will grow into something beautiful." It is my hope that I will make myself a better and more "beautiful" person (inside and out) as long as I live, in terms of the things I do and the way I treat other people. I know that I have flaws, and my goal in life is to realize and to eliminate these imperfections where it is humanly possible. However, I am well aware that, at the core, I have an essence that I cannot change. I am an individual, and do not plan on changing myself to "fit in." It's hard enough learning to accept yourself without worrying about what others think of you. I will try my best to improve myself, but I know that, in the end, I will need to accept myself, as I am, quirks and all.
I am a very outspoken and outgoing person. I enjoy the limelight, and I am often compelled by a longing to please other people - a need to feel needed. Sometimes it can rise to the level of an obsession; sometimes I am too motivated by the acceptance of my peers and live life for other people rather than myself. It is a foolish thing to do, because, while I hardly advocate being selfish, I think that an individual has to live with the decisions they make. It is important to do what you think is right, because otherwise you will go insane and will lose your identity completely. I think that one of my greatest problems is trying too hard to make friends. I have often noticed that I was at my best socially when I didn't care what other people thought, when I wasn't so self-conscious and so eager to please. I have observed the ironic reality that someone in need of companionship repulses people. They are perceived as annoying and clingy. It is this truth that has taken so long to sink in for me, because I like to believe that everyone is a potential friend. I learned the hard way that Anne Frank, who said all men were good at heart, was wrong. I know now that people are out for their best interests alone; a person has very few true friends. It was a painful lesson to learn, but a valuable one. Though I like to be around people, I have been jaded by past experiences and am less willing to put my trust in people than I once was.
Though I am certainly not shy, I am introspective in many ways. I highly value self-awareness, and constantly evaluate and reevaluate my decisions and motives. My conscience is my inner compass, and my refuge when I'm faced with difficult decisions. However, though my principles serve as a guiding light, special circumstances and events constantly steer my values towards change. I may live life based on my ideals, but life often changes these ideals. Ideas that work in theory do not always pan out with application. Life is a case of trial and error for everyone. Like every other human being, I learn from my mistakes; they have shaped my character and my heart irreversibly. The problem is that right and wrong are not so different as black and white. That is why it's so hard to figure out who you are, and what you believe. People and life itself are too complicated to categorize. Everyday events are confusing all by themselves, without considering any philosophy or ideas about society as a whole. I have found that I NEED to write in my diary, because I have to see life on paper to sort it out and make sense of everything. Sometimes writing is the only way for my feelings to come out. Holding things in is not only a lonely and unhealthy thing to do; it also makes you ignorant about what you are thinking. On my part, I learn so much about myself from my diary that I would never have seen otherwise, and leads me to form opinions on issues that ordinarily would not have interested me much. These ideas shape me as an individual, and give my spirit a more definite form.
At heart, I am a very passionate person, and I cling to my ideals and loved ones. To sum it up, I love to love and this has granted me a zest for living and intense compassion for other people, most especially for those I am close to. I am a very people-oriented person and I don't think I could survive without other human beings to keep me company. I suppose I have a habit of getting too attached to people. I'm the type who cries when rejected, who feels isolated and hurt when alone. Some would consider that pathetic, but at least I have a heart to be broken. Though I have zeal for many causes and am motivated to achieve in many areas, my biggest motivation is the respect of my fellow man and I don't think that will ever change.
I may have a sense of right and wrong, but I am not a rigid person; I like to think of myself as open-minded. I have always enjoyed debating and discussions in general, because I like hearing what other people have to say. I am not so self-righteous that I believe there is just one way to do things. There are many ways to live, and I acknowledge that some ways of doing things are equal to, if not better than, the way I act. I imitate the qualities I admire in people, learn from their flaws, and incorporate some foreign ideas into my own mindset. In my view, that's how you become a better and more interesting person, and I hope to become the best person I can.
Sometimes, when the world around me becomes repulsing and my thoughts become cynical, I feel a need to escape. It is at these times that my creative energies take over. I make a world of my own, and breathe life into characters that serve as imaginary models of the people and circumstances I have witnessed in real life. When you put all these forces into play, you get not just an enchanting story or a foreign place to explore, but an application of principles which abstractly helps to better understand the people and places around you. Creation has become a form of self-education for me.
I am, in many ways, a very complicated person. While I love people deeply and find them very interesting, I have lost much of my optimistic and trusting nature and have come to terms with the fact that not everyone is moral or kind by nature. I am on a constant search for myself - and a deeper understanding of the world around me. I'm prone to not only self-evaluation and rambling in my journal, but daydreaming in the solace of my imagination. Yet no matter how much I question my motives, I have a moral compass that I return to when everything else goes haywire. These deep-seeded beliefs give birth to strong emotions, and have endowed me with a firm and binding connection to the issues and people I care about. I love and hate with passion; I am sensitive and feeling in almost every respect. I am sympathetic to the afflictions of others, yet my mindset is colored by sharp, oftentimes harsh, observations and conclusions about people. I am forgiving to a certain extent, but I am not naive. I cry when hurt, but, in my mind, the tears are not an insult to my honor. My heart is my dignity. However, though my heart leads me in many ways, I am not blinded by it. I look at the world through open eyes, fascinated by the world surrounding me. I am motivated by many causes and change my mind constantly. It's a difficult balancing act, trying to determine which part of myself will dominate, weighing my ideals against reality. One part of me pushes in one direction; another aspect of my personality pushes me the other way. I am a bundle of contradictions, but I think that's what makes me a complete person.
Read more about me in the following sections:
I. My Personality
II. Hobbies And Interests
III. Master Plan (for the future)
IV. Ode To Shortdom
I am a very outspoken and outgoing person. I enjoy the limelight, and I am often compelled by a longing to please other people - a need to feel needed. Sometimes it can rise to the level of an obsession; sometimes I am too motivated by the acceptance of my peers and live life for other people rather than myself. It is a foolish thing to do, because, while I hardly advocate being selfish, I think that an individual has to live with the decisions they make. It is important to do what you think is right, because otherwise you will go insane and will lose your identity completely. I think that one of my greatest problems is trying too hard to make friends. I have often noticed that I was at my best socially when I didn't care what other people thought, when I wasn't so self-conscious and so eager to please. I have observed the ironic reality that someone in need of companionship repulses people. They are perceived as annoying and clingy. It is this truth that has taken so long to sink in for me, because I like to believe that everyone is a potential friend. I learned the hard way that Anne Frank, who said all men were good at heart, was wrong. I know now that people are out for their best interests alone; a person has very few true friends. It was a painful lesson to learn, but a valuable one. Though I like to be around people, I have been jaded by past experiences and am less willing to put my trust in people than I once was.
Though I am certainly not shy, I am introspective in many ways. I highly value self-awareness, and constantly evaluate and reevaluate my decisions and motives. My conscience is my inner compass, and my refuge when I'm faced with difficult decisions. However, though my principles serve as a guiding light, special circumstances and events constantly steer my values towards change. I may live life based on my ideals, but life often changes these ideals. Ideas that work in theory do not always pan out with application. Life is a case of trial and error for everyone. Like every other human being, I learn from my mistakes; they have shaped my character and my heart irreversibly. The problem is that right and wrong are not so different as black and white. That is why it's so hard to figure out who you are, and what you believe. People and life itself are too complicated to categorize. Everyday events are confusing all by themselves, without considering any philosophy or ideas about society as a whole. I have found that I NEED to write in my diary, because I have to see life on paper to sort it out and make sense of everything. Sometimes writing is the only way for my feelings to come out. Holding things in is not only a lonely and unhealthy thing to do; it also makes you ignorant about what you are thinking. On my part, I learn so much about myself from my diary that I would never have seen otherwise, and leads me to form opinions on issues that ordinarily would not have interested me much. These ideas shape me as an individual, and give my spirit a more definite form.
At heart, I am a very passionate person, and I cling to my ideals and loved ones. To sum it up, I love to love and this has granted me a zest for living and intense compassion for other people, most especially for those I am close to. I am a very people-oriented person and I don't think I could survive without other human beings to keep me company. I suppose I have a habit of getting too attached to people. I'm the type who cries when rejected, who feels isolated and hurt when alone. Some would consider that pathetic, but at least I have a heart to be broken. Though I have zeal for many causes and am motivated to achieve in many areas, my biggest motivation is the respect of my fellow man and I don't think that will ever change.
I may have a sense of right and wrong, but I am not a rigid person; I like to think of myself as open-minded. I have always enjoyed debating and discussions in general, because I like hearing what other people have to say. I am not so self-righteous that I believe there is just one way to do things. There are many ways to live, and I acknowledge that some ways of doing things are equal to, if not better than, the way I act. I imitate the qualities I admire in people, learn from their flaws, and incorporate some foreign ideas into my own mindset. In my view, that's how you become a better and more interesting person, and I hope to become the best person I can.
Sometimes, when the world around me becomes repulsing and my thoughts become cynical, I feel a need to escape. It is at these times that my creative energies take over. I make a world of my own, and breathe life into characters that serve as imaginary models of the people and circumstances I have witnessed in real life. When you put all these forces into play, you get not just an enchanting story or a foreign place to explore, but an application of principles which abstractly helps to better understand the people and places around you. Creation has become a form of self-education for me.
I am, in many ways, a very complicated person. While I love people deeply and find them very interesting, I have lost much of my optimistic and trusting nature and have come to terms with the fact that not everyone is moral or kind by nature. I am on a constant search for myself - and a deeper understanding of the world around me. I'm prone to not only self-evaluation and rambling in my journal, but daydreaming in the solace of my imagination. Yet no matter how much I question my motives, I have a moral compass that I return to when everything else goes haywire. These deep-seeded beliefs give birth to strong emotions, and have endowed me with a firm and binding connection to the issues and people I care about. I love and hate with passion; I am sensitive and feeling in almost every respect. I am sympathetic to the afflictions of others, yet my mindset is colored by sharp, oftentimes harsh, observations and conclusions about people. I am forgiving to a certain extent, but I am not naive. I cry when hurt, but, in my mind, the tears are not an insult to my honor. My heart is my dignity. However, though my heart leads me in many ways, I am not blinded by it. I look at the world through open eyes, fascinated by the world surrounding me. I am motivated by many causes and change my mind constantly. It's a difficult balancing act, trying to determine which part of myself will dominate, weighing my ideals against reality. One part of me pushes in one direction; another aspect of my personality pushes me the other way. I am a bundle of contradictions, but I think that's what makes me a complete person.
Read more about me in the following sections:
I. My Personality
II. Hobbies And Interests
III. Master Plan (for the future)
IV. Ode To Shortdom
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Stephanie Pui-Mun Law
Stephanie Pui-Mun Law
